Return to work 

 

 The dreaded return to work finally arrived! I have always known that at some point I had to let Aydin go a bit and luckily now that the moment has come I can go to work a little less disheartened knowing he is with someone that I feel understands us and what we feel is important for our little boy. The settling days were an absolute breeze, Aydin loved the company of other children and did not notice my absence which is fantastic for him. Maybe a bit less so for me on a selfish level, it is hard not to feel that that love that borders on obsession is not mutual. But I am willing to deal with whatever is thrown at me as long as he is happy.  

His first full day was great he eat like a little monster and did not have any weepy episodes and nor did I, that’s a result! He napped and was a happy chap when I picked him up in the evening. I felt my hour with him before bedtime was extremely short and I could not help but feel a surge of guilt for spending so little time with him. Admittedly my day at the office did not leave me half as tired as a full day with him but I do feel like leaving him with someone else is a bit of a cop out. Like I am being irresponsible for not dealing with my baby myself.  I know I shouldn’t feel this way because he has so much to gain from his new friends and new environment but after 13 months of giving him absolutely everything I had in me it is hard to let go. The guilt of no longer doing so much every moment, of leaving him, of not being the one that picks him up when he whines, not being the one holding his hands when he wants to walk around, not being the one feeding him, changing him and not being the one that cuddles him when he wakes from his naps disorientated, missing his babbling which seems to change daily.