Return to work 3 weeks on

Aydin has totally settled with the childminder and she seems to really enjoy him which is such a blessing. It makes all the difference knowing he is happy and well looked after. 

On the other hand my return to work has brought up so many mixed emotions. Prior to my return to work there was a sense of excitement at regaining part of my old self through being back in an environment which was such a big part of my pre baby life and it has been a blow emotionally  that I don’t feel at home at all there and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. If anything it has highlighted just how different I am now. It’s like returning to your home and all your things have been relocated, everyone you shared it with had been swapped and someone else is in charge of the running of it and you are only a spectator. It’s no ones fault and no one can fix it. Indeed there is no fix that I can think of but the sense of impotence is so strong. 

So work doesn’t define me at all, motherhood still feels alien and my life has no time for anything else. So what am I, who am I? I know I am a mum, wife and daughter but I mean more than this, deeper than this. What defines me? I feel like an impostor in every category. I feel like an impostor in my own head. Not in the- I am in need of a psychologist way or in need of medical assistance but just in a slightly out of my depth kind of way.