End of 2014

This time last year I had just found out I was pregnant and was filled with excitement and fear at what was yet to come. Much to my surprise pregnancy was an absolute joy, all those fears of low sugar levels, cravings, morning sickness, weight gain etc where unnecessary.  There is nothing like pregnancy, the excitement of this little person growing inside, those first black and white scans conforming you are really creating a new life and then later feeling and seeing this tiny baby moving inside. Such a beautiful experience well worth the indigestion, discomfort and exhaustion that the final stage causes because by then all you can do is dream of meeting your baby.

Giving birth later this year was by far the scariest thing I have ever endured. I discovered, like so many others, that birthing plans are so ridiculously pointless and that in fact when the moment finally comes modesty and privacy fly out of the window. So worrying about everyone standing by your head and not down south doesn’t even come into it. With everyone getting a full monty I could not have cared less, a mixture of panic and pain quickly render these things as unthinkable. Also as scary as it is, it’s also true that a few months later you look back and a tiny voice in your head says ‘ oh it wasn’t that bad!’. I guess that’s the beauty of our natural instincts it has a way of making us cope when mentally we have no clue what we the hell we are doing and later tricking us into possible doing it again. Hahah (I am not quite there)

Then motherhood hit me, what a shock the has been. The first few weeks I functioned on pure adrenaline and excitement. But soon after this the loneliness, cluelessness, exhaustion and fear kicked in and I suddenly thought- ‘what have I done?’ Many days have passed with this thought, though I love Aydin and can’t now imagine life without him my life has suddenly become so alien to me it’s hard to adapt. I went from doing what I wanted when I wanted, to not having time to even think about what I would like let alone doing it. 

Now Aydin is 4 months old and I still feel panick if he cries, I still fear I don’t know what he wants and I still fear going out with him alone. I am still adjusting to everything revolving around this one little person and to not having him out of my thoughts for a split second. I feel I have learnt a lot in the last 4 months but I am fully conscious that I have so much yet to learn. 

My focus in this New Year is to try (almost impossible for me) to worry and stress less and enjoy the moment without feeling like if all I did was look after Aydin all day then I have not done enough and  wasted my day. With this also comes being braver and going out with him more because being home all day every day does nothing for my sanity. 

Here’s is a spectacular 2015 filled with joy with my little family!